You showed up to math class naked. Everyone gossiped about you for weeks.
That tiny zit on your forehead is really the size of a golf ball, and everyone’s staring at it.
You stuttered during your presentation, and everyone remembers it.
Whether in dreams (you didn’t really go to math class naked, did you?) or real life, we all have a tendency to feel like we’re constantly being judged.
As it turns out, this is a psychological phenomenon backed by science. It’s called the spotlight effect, and it has major implications for your Whole30 (or any other dietary reset you’re attempting).
What is the spotlight effect?
The term — coined by Cornell University social psychologists — refers to our tendency to assume that others scrutinize us as harshly as we scrutinize ourselves.
Author Martha Beck says it better: “Many of us operate as if Simon Cowell is doing a play-by-play of our work, wardrobe, and snack choices.”
But the research suggests otherwise.
The most famous study about the spotlight effect involved a t-shirt with a picture of Barry Manilow printed on the front (I kid you not). Cornell undergraduates were asked to wear the embarrassing shirt, and to guess how many of their classmates would notice and remember.
Barry Manilow. Prime t-shirt material.
Most participants were certain that 50% of their classmates would remember, but in actuality, less than 25% could recall the shirt.
The Barry Manilow study (and many others like it) suggests that people are paying roughly 50% less attention to our actions and appearances than we think they are.
Phew! Think about it — that’s convincing logic you can use to take half the pressure off yourself, immediately.
What does this have to do with your Whole30?
Let’s say you really want to try the Whole30, but you’re so afraid of being the “weird food person” in social situations that you never start.
Or you do start, but you refuse to go out to eat because you don’t want to be perceived as a “pain” when you ask the waiter if a dish has dairy in it.
Or maybe you’re cruising along, but on Day 15, one of your coworkers makes a snotty remark about your chicken salad. You can’t stop thinking about it (spotlight effect!), so you tell yourself that everyone is going to make these snotty remarks, and it’s just not worth it.
Ouch.
All of these scenarios suck, and they all come from a vulnerable place — you don’t want to feel judged, cause a scene, or deal with peer pressure. No one does!
But here’s the thing: because of the spotlight effect, we have a tendency to make up stories in advance about everything that could go wrong. Most of the time, we’re not facing real judgment — we’re facing our own preconceived judgments.
Our personal spotlight shines twice as bright as the light that others see us in, and it’s almost always unflattering.
So what can you do?
1) Remember the spotlight effect and give yourself compassion.
Doesn’t just knowing about the spotlight effect make you feel better? Most of us assume that we’re the only ones who are preoccupied with what other people think, but it’s true for almost everyone.
The spotlight effect is a deeply ingrained pattern for most people, so don’t be frustrated if you can’t drop your self-consciousness overnight. With an attitude of self-compassion, actively remind yourself that people care less than you think (and in this scenario, that’s a good thing).
2) Be honest with yourself: are the judgments real or preconceived?
It’s time to get real with yourself: How many times have people actually been rude, offended, or hurt by your food choices? If it helps, make a list.
Now, compare that list with how many times you’ve held yourself back because you were afraid that someone might say something? Or because you made up a story about what could happen?
If you’re like me (and many other Whole30’ers), list 2 will probably be way longer than list 1. This is a sobering exercise, and it’s not for sissies. But it’s incredibly eye-opening, and you might realize just how much the spotlight effect has been blinding you.
To sum up, I’ll share Whole30’er Allyson C.’s quote from Food Freedom Forever: “In reality, it was pretty easy to talk to friends and family about my reset, but my perception going into these conversations was that it was going to be a battle. I was expecting negative comments, and that created more anxiety than necessary. My expectation of the pushback actually changed my behavior and diverted my focus” (198).
3) Expect the best.
I’m not going to sugarcoat it, or pretend like it doesn’t happen. Sometimes people can be really mean about your dietary choices, and if that happens, you’ll find tons of great tips and tactics in the “Friends, Family, and Food” section of Food Freedom Forever.
But if honest reflection tells you that your stress is more about anticipation, remember Melissa’s rule of thumb: Expect the best. As she says, “Anticipating their criticism can make you behave defensively, which could prompt family and friends to react to your behavior, not the plan itself” (198).
By expecting the best, you’re lowering your defenses, calming unnecessary stress, and setting yourself up for Whole30 victory. Adopting a growth mindset requires you to create a mental picture of the person you want to become. Why not create a picture of the way you want people to treat you, too?