I’ve noticed a pattern lately that’s making me pretty sad.

A lot of women are ashamed to tell me they want to lose weight. 

It goes like this: During an assessment call or initial consult, I ask my clients what their top five health goals are.

Typically, they look something like this: More energy, improved mood, better menstrual cycles, better digestion, and weight loss.

I always ask, “Of these goals, which one is your number-one priority?”

And lately, I’ve been hearing answers like this:

“Well, more energy would be huge. But if I’m honest … and I’m kind of embarrassed to admit this … I really want to lose weight. I know I should care about my health first, and I do care about health, but weight loss is really important to me.”

I should care about my health first …

Do you hear that?

It’s just more shame.

For decades, we’ve been surrounded by toxic diet culture and unrealistic expectations of what our bodies should look like. It’s created a lot of shame and “not-enoughness,” to say the least.

But over the last several years, the body-positive, health-first movement has made a huge impact. Our culture is still incredibly effed up when it comes to body image, but there’s been a definite, positive shift.

Bloggers, celebrities, and even mainstream media outlets have made the message very clear: a woman’s worth has nothing to do with her size. Finally. It’s about time.

But …

There’s a but. I have a but.

I’m still seeing and hearing shame EVERYWHERE … and now it’s because women think they “should” be happy with their bodies and love them no matter what.

But deep down, they’re unhappy with their bodies, and they feel like they don’t have permission to admit it.

Because they SHOULD be putting their health first.

Because they SHOULD be as confident as that one plus-sized Instagram model, but they’re not.

Because they SHOULD be standing in solidarity with their sisters and rebelling against traditional beauty standards.

Should should should.

Should always means shame. 

This is just a different flavor of shame. And shame is one the most toxic emotions we can feel.

Before I go ANY further, I want to make one thing very clear.

I’m not criticizing the body-positive movement. I’ve been very, very hesitant to write this, because I have many friends who are incredible voices in that community. That is not my intention at all.

I’m of the Byron Katie school of thought, which says that NO ONE can “shame” us.

Magazines can’t shame us. Thought leaders can’t shame us. Shame is something we create in our mind, because of how we interpret the world around us and what we make it mean.

(This may make you really angry, but I’m telling you, if you can apply this concept to your life, things will change in profound ways.)

My intention is to wake you up to the fact that you might be “should-ing” all over yourself, and inadvertently feeling more shame about yourself. I’m seeing it a lot.

Heck, I’ve seen it in myself. Weight is such a hot-button topic that I stopped talking about it publicly, because I know how triggering it can be for people.

During the first couple years of my health journey, I used to post weight-loss updates on my Instagram. I was proud of my progress and wanted to celebrate it.

But then I started feeling weird about it. I wanted (and still want) to primarily focus on my message of nutrition for mental health. And I didn’t want to perpetuate the idea that weight loss = worthiness.

I was never intentionally perpetuating that idea — I was just afraid of being perceived that I was perpetuating that idea. So I stopped. I didn’t want anyone else to feel bad about themselves because of my weight loss. And in the process, I shut down a part of my joy.

The truth is that I’m proud of my weight loss. I lost 60 pounds and completely changed my life and health. There’s MUCH more to my health story than weight loss (as you probably know!), but I’m tired of pretending that weight loss isn’t a big deal to me. It is.

What I love isn’t the weight loss itself, or the number on the scale, but the person I had to become to lose the weight.

I had to start taking care of myself, prioritizing myself, and putting myself first.

I had to learn how to say no — to people, activities, and foods that weren’t good for my soul or body.

I had to differentiate between false, short-term pleasures, and lasting, long-term pleasures.

I had to be brave and try new things.

I had to stop being a victim of my circumstances.

And because of all those things, I lost weight. That is what I love the most.

I also love the aesthetic changes. I love being able to buy clothes at most stores. I am more confident in how I look. I am happier this way. And I’m no longer afraid to say that.

Here’s what I want you to take away from this:

We all want to stop feeling shame about our bodies.

Shame comes from “should” — the shoulds from the outside world, and the shoulds inside your mind.

I don’t think the key is to be thinner (like the magazines say we should!) or to love our bodies no matter what (like the bloggers say we should!).

I think the key is to drop the shoulds. And in the process, you will find self-love.

What do YOU want for yourself?

Is that a true want from your core, or is that a want you’ve adopted because of society?

That’s the real question.

Find the true want and follow that.

If it’s weight loss, let yourself want it.

I give you permission.

And I give myself permission to celebrate my body at its new size.

To your truth, whatever it may be,

Holly